"Mommy, will you hold my penis for me?"

Potty training . . . who knew it could be so difficult? All of my friends with kids seemed to magically potty train their children in a weekend. For us it has been pure torture. If you ever have or ever will potty train a child, you'll find that everyone and their grandmother will offer you advice. Usually the advice will entail . . . "It will just happen when he's ready" or my favorite, "I just put underware on him and he stopped peeing his pants." For the past 6 months I have tried EVERYTHING! My son, age 3 and 3 months, has seen every potty training video & read every potty training book out there. He's watched me, his daddy, his grandma, aunts, uncles, and all of his little friends use the toilet (much to their dismay!) We bought him a cute little toilet of his own, as well as a child seat for the big toilet. We've bribed him with candy, cookies, toys . . . NOTHING has worked. I'm convinced he'll still be in diapers when he starts kindergarten! I think the major problem I'm facing is my darling son's laziness. He's a very smart child, possibly a genius . . . but very lazy! I put some super cool Mickey Mouse underware on him one afternoon. He had just woken up from his nap; I took off his diaper that had about 5 pounds of pee in it, and let him lounge on the couch in his new underware (that he picked out), while he watched a 25 minute episode of "The Mickey Moues Clubhouse." As soon as the show was over I hear him call out to me, "Mommy, my show is over. Oh, and I peed in my underware on the couch." You see . . . pure laziness! He sat in a puddle of pee on the couch because he was too lazy to get up or to even tell me that he peed until after his show was over! This lazy behavior gets worse! On another occasion he actually sat on the big toilet. As he's sitting atop the porceline throne he smiles and sweetly says, "Mommy, will you push my penis down so I don't pee on you?" I began to giggle uncontrollably. Of course I said yes and helped to aim in the right direction. What mother wouldn't? I sure didn't want to get peed on! On a different day we were going to practice standing up and peeing into the toilet. Being a woman, I haven't had any practice in this department. It couldn't be that difficult, right? WRONG! I thought I was prepared. I had thrown a few Cheerios into the bowl so that he'd have something to aim at. (Several people had told me about and sworn by the "Cheerio trick.) I helped the little guy stand on his stool and pull down his pants. The my darling, lazy, genius son looked up at me with his big blue eyes and sweet little smile and said, "Mommy, will you hold my penis for me?" My husband, who was in the hall, heard this request and commented, "Mommy, when you're done helping him will you come hold my penis for me?" After giving my husband a "look" letting him know that his comment was not entirely appropriate, I did my motherly duty and held "it" while he peed standing up. Oh what a disaster! If I couldn't aim the stream of pee at the Cheerios how could my 3 year old do it?